


I bleed when I fall down

by theclaravoyant



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety!Simmons, Everybody Loves Simmons, Everybody is Worried About Simmons, Gen, Guilt Attack, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD!Simmons, Panic Attack, Remember that time the Bus Kids were fighting and we all died?, but with, have some more of that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 15:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5875933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theclaravoyant/pseuds/theclaravoyant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Canon divergence during S2/Post 2x13. Fitzsimmons have developed a way for Skye to control her powers which requires surgical implants into her wrists. Skye’s having second thoughts and Simmons overhears something she shouldn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i bleed when i fall down

**Author's Note:**

> Simmons' guilt complex comes through strongly in the writing here. What she blames herself for =/= what Fitz, Skye, or myself blame her for.

Skye was hugging her knees to her chest. Tears marked her face, but Fitz pretended not to notice.

“Can’t sleep?” He held out the hot chocolate. A little voice in the back of her mind whispered that the heap of marshmallows he’d buried it under would do little to help with the sleeping side of things, but Skye unfurled and took it anyway, shuffling aside so that Fitz could sit on the bed with her.

“Big day tomorrow,” she explained. Her hands were anxious claws against the porcelain.

Fitz smiled gently. “You’re in good hands. Simmons is the best surgeon here. And I’m not just saying that.”

Skye sighed. A bubble of marshmallow fluff drifted onto the bedsheets.

“I…don’t want Simmons to do it.”

Fitz frowned. Had he misheard?

“What? What do you mean?”

Skye bit her lip, and forced herself to look at him.

“I don’t want Simmons to do the surgery. I want somebody else.”

“Like who?”

“Like you?”

Fitz shook his head. “Skye…I’ve never performed surgery in my life. And even if I had, I’m not sure I know enough about what goes on in there. And if I did – well, I mean.” He held up his left hand. Though it was still, it emphasised his point.

“I don’t care about -“

“No, listen to me, Skye. Hands are very – _extremely_ – delicate things. One slip up and you might never be able to use them again. I’m sorry, I can’t do it. I won’t. I wouldn’t, even if I was allowed. Why don’t you want Simmons? You know that she can do it. And if she couldn’t, nobody else here would have a chance.”

“It’s not that, I just…” Skye sighed again. She took a sip of her hot chocolate, hoping for inspiration, for explanation, or for the subject to change so that she could pretend she’d never considered this, let alone admitted it. But Fitz’ eyes bored into her, curious and hurt and more than a little angry.

“You don’t trust her?”

When an objection didn’t instantly rise to her lips, Skye felt her heart sink in her chest.

-

Unbeknownst to either of them, another heart was sinking just outside the door.

 _“That’s a little harsh,”_ Skye qualified eventually. _“I know she only wants to help. Am I hesitant about putting my powers into the hands of somebody who wants - or wanted, anyway - to eliminate them? Yes. But it’s not about that. I know she wouldn’t…I mean I doubt she would ever betray either of us like that.”_

Simmons closed her eyes. Fitz’ expression flashed into her mind; the way he’d curled his hands and looked away from her when she’d first come back, and later, the firey lashing out – _you left! And because why?_ Then Skye. Her isolation. Her guilt. Her pain. _What am I supposed to do?_

Simmons’ breath started to catch. Her fingers trembled. Tears burnt her cheeks. There was so much pain in their eyes. And fear – fear of her, fear of hurting her.

 _“I just don’t want her to have to do something that she doesn’t support,"_  Skye's voice continued from the other room. " _And if that means I’m going to get the second-best surgeon this place has to offer, then so be it.”_

Gasping for breath, Simmons could feel the walls closing in. Skye didn’t think she supported her? Why not? How could she have let that happen? All she’d ever wanted was to help. All she’d ever done was screw things up.

She twisted the packet of cotton wool in her hands. She wasn’t doing this. This was not happening. Not now.

_You don’t trust her?_

May rounded the corner. Raised an eyebrow.

“Simmons?”

Simmons bolted forward.

“Give that to Fitz, please,” she insisted as she disappeared around the corner.

Simmons all but threw herself into the bathroom and locked the door. It instantly started to shrink around her. _Don’t worry about it,_ she told herself. _You’re making it up. Get yourself together._

She tried to gather the pieces, but they were slipping away from her like the remains of a sinking ship.

_You lied to me.  
Okay, so now we’re even._

She flushed her face with cold water, again and again. She choked down air, trying to breathe through it, trying to deny it. Her throat seemed swollen shut from trying to swallow her tears.

_Jemma, I’m so sorry._

A sob broke out, and it felt like a punch to her larynx.

She doubled over, struggling not to cry out, and more sobs took the opportunity to follow the first. She was being ridiculously, pathetically loud, but she couldn’t help it: each sob had to force its way past the glass and nails that seemed to have housed themselves behind her voice box. No. She pressed her hands to her face, digging her nails in, thinking of what Hydra would do to her if they found out, until a ragged wheezing took the place of the sobs.

The water, still running full blast, screamed at her. So much water – the ocean – ninety feet. No one was going to find them.

 _No._ She hurried to turn it off.

In the new silence, she could hear herself breathing. She could hear her heart pounding. She checked her face in the mirror. Tears and mascara blotched her reddened cheeks. Her eyes were only a little swollen, though they stung. Crescent shaped indents marked where her nails had been, but they would pass. Only one of them had broken the skin. She checked her lips, her neck, her collarbone for blood. She was clean.

She staggered backward, and almost fell to a seat on the side of the tub.

She checked her lips, her neck, her collarbone for blood.

For _blood?_

She was in a bathroom. The walls were back in their proper places, as pristine white and unassuming as ever.

Had she just been thinking about Hydra? How had Hydra come up?

Her hands were shaking.

There was a knock at the door.

“Jemma?” It was Coulson. “Jemma, I’m coming in, okay?”

He waited for a second for her to object. She couldn’t. She just watched as the door swung open, and followed his shoes, his suit, up to his face. His eyes were soft and terrified.

“I’m- I’m alright,” she stammered, and tried to smile. “Can you close the door please?”

He obeyed, then pulled a face washer off the towel rack, rinsed it quickly, and passed it to her as he came to sit beside her. She gave her face a half-hearted dab, but then folded her hands over the washer in her lap.

“I’m sorry-” she started, tears prickling her voice again.

“No,” Coulson objected gently. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and she let herself be pulled against his side and protected under his chin. She closed her eyes and listened to his heartbeat as it slowed. “No, Jemma. I’m sorry.”


	2. just a little human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> runs parallel to Ch1, on the other side of the door

“I just don’t want her to have to do something that she doesn’t support. And if that means I’m going to get the second-best surgeon this place has to offer, then so be it.”

Fitz lowered his eyes, thinking. Feeling. Skye fell silent, staring at her hands, thinking about what Fitz has said about their being incredibly fragile things.

“…And if I start, y’know, quaking,” she added in a low voice, facing something she hadn’t considered before, “during the surgery, I don’t want Simmons to take the blame for anything that goes wrong. You know she will.”

The door slid open, its quiet hiss making them both jump. They turned to the sound, to see May, with an expression that they might have described as puzzled if it had been any more pronounced. She held a packet of cotton wool out to Fitz. Fitz eyed it. Simmons had promised to redress Skye’s arms. This was priority. What else could she have been doing…?

His eyes wandered to Skye’s face, and found the same dread there that was sinking its teeth into his own heart.

“Was Simmons just in here?” May asked.

“Oh no.”

Fitz shoved the cotton wool into Skye’s arms and bolted out of his seat, calling out for Jemma. He ran to the lab first, and received a wall of blank looks. He circled back to her bunk, but if she was in there, she was doing an excellent job of not making any sound at all. Biting his lip, he headed back to Skye’s room, only to find the passageway blocked by Skye herself, pressed against the bathroom door.

“She’s in there,” Skye informed him, a little breathless, waving at the door. From the other side, hard breathing and sobbing and whimpers of distress pulled at his heartstrings.

“Jemma.” He took Skye's place against the door. “Jemma, let me in. It’s okay. Jemma?”

“I’ve tried that.”

There was a muffled wail on the other side. A clutter of bottles and things fell to the tiles. Water screamed from the tap.

“May even tried busting the thing. She’s gone to get Coulson.”

“Oh, this is not good.” Fitz swallowed hard. He turned to the access panel and jabbed at the screen.

“Tried that too.”

“Okay, I know,” he snapped. Skye retreated, not taking it personally. She quite possibly would have been ripping throats out by now if that were what it took to get in there. She hugged her elbows. The door rattled in its frame. Lights flickered.

Coulson and May came running.

“No good, Sir,” Fitz informed the new arrival, dropping his hands from the access panel and stepping back. With the ferocity on Coulson’s face, he wouldn’t have been surprised if the man karate-kicked the door down without even stopping. Not that such a thing was possible; if it was too strong for May, the rest of them didn’t have a hope.

“Wait, I have an idea.” Gritting her teeth, Skye stepped between Coulson and the door. She put her hands forward.

But suddenly, the screaming water stopped.

It gave way to a quiet whimper, and heavy, shaky breathing. The breathing started to slow, and even out. Whatever had happened in there, Jemma was getting a handle on it – or so they hoped.

Coulson gestured for Skye to stand aside. She tucked her hands back under her elbows, biting back the thought that this whole thing was her fault. May gave her a solemn, supportive glance. Fitz’ eyes were fixed on Coulson, who gently knocked at the door.

“Jemma?” he offered. “Jemma, I’m coming in, okay?”

He looked around at the others, giving them a moment to acknowledge that they should stay back. May nodded. Skye wiped the tears of fear and relief that were starting to fall, and nodded too. Fitz, heart in his throat, stepped back to Skye’s side. Under different circumstances, he would have been fighting to get in there first, but he took it this time. The last thing Jemma needed was to feel attacked right now. The thought that he could have ever made her feel attacked was like a noose, choking him. What had he done? How had they come this far? If she’d done anything to herself…

“I’m- I’m alright.” Jemma’s voice was quiet, but honest. “Can you close the door please?”

As the door swung shut, oxygen filled Fitz’ lungs. Skye’s fingers clenched his. He’d barely noticed the tears flooding his vision until this point. Even May looked distinctly relieved for a moment, before turning her attention as always to more practical endeavours.

“Want some help with those?” She gestured to Skye’s hands. Skye nodded. Fitz cast a last look over his shoulder, and let himself be led away, vowing to apologise later, and explain himself, and hug her if she’ll let him.

(She does.)

(They stand in each other’s arms in her bedroom doorway until they forget they are standing, and then he sits with her until she falls asleep.)

(It is just the beginning.)


End file.
